Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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