yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
