based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
