my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
