My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
