Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
