I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
