Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
