The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
