we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
