My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
