she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
