we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize