did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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