i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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