we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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