his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
