My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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