How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
