i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
