her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
