if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
