Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
