Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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