You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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