I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
