The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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