I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
