Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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