I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize