2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
