Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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