so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
