I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Duck Duck Cougar?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
