I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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