I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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