i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
