So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
