got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
