hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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