I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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