direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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