On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
