he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
