wanna go halves on a baby?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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