tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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