thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize