happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
