So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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