It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize