suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
