I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
