I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it because I queefed?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
