smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
