did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
