just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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