he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i believe in u and ur pee
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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