reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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