cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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