Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
